AN OLD sheep, an oversized pig, a lost minister and a flighty flu are all winners in this year's Back Paddock Black Stump awards.

  • PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR
  • Barnaby Joyce


Bill "Motormouth" Heffernan's hold on this crown finally slipped in 2009 with fellow rural senator and sparring partner Barnaby Joyce giving Bill a run for his money.

Barnaby's one-liners were gold compared to the usual dull utterances of other cardboard cut-out politicians.

Gems included this comment on a possible emission trading scheme from the Greens: "A piece of policy that comes direct from the manic monkey cafe of inner suburban nirvanaville straight to you."

And this one: "Unless humankind is going to evolve into a higher form of termite, there is no point in carbon sink legislation taking prime agricultural land out of production."

If only Barnaby and Bill could forget their differences, they would be the best double act since Abbott and Costello - Lou and Bud, that is, not Tony and Peter.

  • THE LOGIE AWARD
  • Tim Holding

 

Our award for best new show goes to Tim Holding's one-man version of Survivor: Feathertop.

It was a ratings winner, with audiences glued to their televisions, radios and computers as they waited with bated breath for news of Tim's endurance challenge.

Tim survived and won a reward of a free helicopter flight back to civilisation and the waiting arms of girlfriend and family.

  • KILLJOY AWARD
  • Parks Victoria

 

Always a popular award with the bureaucrats, who love to make sure no one is happy. This year's winner is Parks Victoria for its plans to evict a man from his pioneer family home on the Murray River.

Three generations of Robert Masters' family have lived in two houses on the land since 1863 on a permanent lease from the government.

But now they want the land back, arguing there is no place for private residences in a state forest.

Apparently, David de Kretser, who occupies Government House in Melbourne's leafy King Domain, is next on the list.

  • THE METHUSELAH AWARD
  • Lucky

 

The award for most geriatric livestock would have to go to Lucky the sheep, who finally went to that big paddock in the sky last month at the ripe old age of 23 years, six months and 28 days.

Lucky, owned and loved by Delrae and Frank Westgarth, of Lake Bolac, made the Guinness Book of Records in 2007, setting a new record of 21 years, five months and three days. Lucky is now buried under a nectarine tree in the Westgarths' driveway.

  • THOMAS AUSTIN AWARD
  • Investor schemes

 

A no-brainer in this category for the person or organisation who does the least for agriculture's standing, in honour of Thomas Austin, who introduced the rabbit to Australia.

And the winners are the directors of managed investment schemes Timbercorp and Great Southern Plantations, who lost millions of dollars of investor funds in their failed timber, grape and olive growing schemes, while paying themselves handsome management fees.

Even after their investors lost their shirts and creditors were left with unpaid bills, some of the directors still walked away with millions after quarantining funds from the liquidators.

The liquidator's sale, meanwhile, left much land and water rights in foreign hands and other ventures abandoned or neglected.

Great job all round.

  • THE HOME-GROWN AWARD
  • ACCC

 

This award is for those who work tirelessly to protect Australian consumers from being ripped off by powerful and greedy Australian farmers by ensuring a flood of cheap imports from disadvantaged European farmers.

Last year, this went to Coles and Woolworths for their home brands.

This year, the honour goes to the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission, for arguing that the iconic Australian meat pie can still be labelled dinky-di Aussie even if it contains imported meat. Apparently, the only Australian content required is the tomato sauce.

  • VANDAL OF THE YEAR
  • Donald doll

 

Unfortunately, there were several contenders in this new award for the most moronic act of vandalism.

There was the dunderhead who smashed the Robbie Burns statue in Camperdown's Botanic Gardens and the idiot who graffitied Weary Dunlop's statue in Melbourne.

But the prize must go to the dolt who broke off and stole the rifle from the war memorial statue in Donald, insulting the memory of Donald's fallen soldiers and hurting their families.

A pox on the winner's house.

  • BEST IN SHOW AWARD
  • Hopetoun Show

 

Country shows have always been innovative in finding new competitions to attract more exhibitors. This year, there was the battered hat competition at Pooncarie and best decorated bra at Penshurst.

But the winner is the Hopetoun Show, for its biggest weed competition. We love the perverse idea of an agricultural show where even a weed can win a blue ribbon.

  • MAD SCIENTIST AWARD
  • Test tube pork

It is amazing that, despite the difficulties scientists have in finding funds for research, some manage to receive it for the weirdest projects.

Research findings which contributed to the betterment of mankind this year include: young women do not like to buy their make-up from better-looking women; a lost wallet containing a picture of a baby is more likely to be returned to its owner; being hit over the head with an empty beer bottle is more dangerous than a full one; and cows with names produce more milk than those without.

But the winner is the team that grew pork meat in a test tube using pig cells and foetal blood. Yum.

  • THE GOLDEN GUMBOOT
  • Perry Wiles

 

This award for the most mangled English is always a hard one, with so many examples of incomprehensible corporate-speak draining statements of simplicity and meaning.

The winner this year is the Bureau of Meteorology' s Perry Wiles, for his answer to a farmer's question about whether seasonal forecasting was improving.

His answer included this: "It is assumed that the training period captures the range of the climate variability - this can be invalidated if there is a substantial secular change in the climate that is not represented in the training period or if climate change means that the system is moving increasingly outside the bounds of past experience." Bravo.

  • BACKFLIP OF THE YEAR
  • Joe Helper

 

It is hard to find a better way to spoil people's fun than to steal their local show day holiday.

The Victorian Government forced shires to nominate just one date for the Cup Day public holiday, causing many towns to miss out on a public holiday for their local show.

Many revolted and took the local show day off anyway in protest.

Thankfully, Minister for Small Business Joe Helper eventually saw sense and stepped in, offering to do a double backflip with half-twist to reverse the decision and give back to rural communities what they rightly deserve.

  • IMPOSTER OF THE YEAR
  • Merlin

 

Nothing could beat Merlin the pig, who refused to be constrained by the idea that he was a miniature version of the real thing.

Merlin's owners bought him with the idea he would grow no taller than a small dog and would live inside, eating little more than table scraps.

When Merlin reached the size of a Shetland pony, they realised he was having them on and were forced to kick him out.

  • WHERE'S WALLY AWARD
  • Warren Truss

 

Last year, it was federal agriculture minister Tony Burke who went missing in action, but this year it was a case of where's Warren? Warren Truss, the Nationals' Federal Leader, has barely been seen or heard to the point where a poll showed most Australians had no idea who he was.

Given the fact there are only 14 Nationals in Federal Parliament now, they can't really afford to have one go AWOL.

However, Barnaby Joyce made up for it, making enough fuss for 10 Nationals.

  • THE THREE STOOGES AWARD
  • PETA

 

The antics of People for Ethical Treatment of Animals are so funny we created a special category just for them.

PETA kept us entertained as usual, with stunts such as protesters baring their red-stained bottoms to protest against mulesing and wearing lettuce-leaf bikinis to promote vegetarianism.

But the award for silliest stunt yet was to protest about President Barack Obama swatting a fly during a television interview.

They sent him a bug catcher.

  • THE 'WHAT WAS ALL THAT ABOUT?' AWARD
  • Swine flu

 

This award for the biggest fizzer of the year goes to swine flu.

After being touted as the New Plague, with dire threats of death and suffering not seen since the Spanish flu epidemic of 1919 and with sufferers quarantined like cattle with foot and mouth, swine flu turned out to be little more than a sniffle in a teacup.

A swine flu vaccine finally became available, but with little demand they are now being given away free with every pack of breakfast cereal.