THE latest series of The Farmer Wants a Wife has started so Barry asked XAVIER DUFF to pass on his suggestion for a new contestant

Yeah, g'day.

Good to see that Farmer Wants A Wife show is back on. I love it and I'd be on it like a shot if I wasn't married meself. Do ya reckon they've ever thought of doing one called the Farmer Wants a New Wife?

Anyways, I know someone who I reckon should put his hat in the ring for the next series.

It's me brother Dave but he's a bit shy and that, so I thought I'd dob him in.

Dave's single, has been all his life.

But it's not for want of trying. And it's not like he bats for the other side or anything. Not that's there's anything wrong with that - we've got quite a few B&B owners round here and they're fantastic.

No, Dave'd love to be married, but like most single farmers, just hasn't had the time to find Mrs Dave.

Down on the farm there's so much work to do he's busier than a one-armed barman at a brewers' ball, so it's hard to find time for romance.

The only time he has a candle-lit dinner is when a tree takes down the power line.

I'll admit he's no spring chicken, which is a good thing right, 'cos he knows a thing or two about life. Give me experience over youth any day.

Younger blokes might be like a Ford XR6 or HDT Commodore - flashy but too highly tuned, whereas Dave is more like your old International truck - not much to look at, but built to last and never breaks down.

And, like, not being on the marry-go-round before means he hasn't got any - you know, luggage - no, baggage. That's it.

Look I'll be honest with you, he's no male model, which is not necessarily a bad thing. His future wife won't have to worry about him being stolen by some floozy?.

And he's still got all his own teeth and while he might be a little thin on top, he's got enough to do a comb-over.

But whatever he lacks in the looks department he makes up for in personality. He can entertain you for hours talking about clearing sales, tractors and his favourite forage harvesters.

Let's face it, what girl really wants a male model for a husband anyway? They're so fake, what with their fake smiles, their fake abs and their fake tans. Dave's got a real tan - he's got the fair dinkum farmer's tan - brown as a berry on his face and up to his elbows and lily-white everywhere else.

He might not be trendy or cool, but he does know how to strip down a two-stroke motor and put new bearings in the header, not like them metrosexuals who wouldn't know a turbo from a turd, excuse the French.

He could do with a bit of help with his wardrobe, though. The last time Dave bought a suit was a red velvet job with flared trousers that he wore to the deb ball in, well, I forget the year, but you've probably got an idea.

But not being into fashion I reckon is a good thing, 'cos it means he don't wear his jeans half way down his backside like all them teenagers you see in town at the skate board park.

(It's not a good look, but ya gotta admire how they can have their strides falling down around their knees and still manage to walk at the same time.)

But he's no slob neither. He keeps a special pair of Blundstones and a new John Deere cap just for goin' out and he always puts on a clean T-shirt.

And he can cook. We're not talking Masterchef - like he thinks cordon bleu is a fancy French sports car and al dente is an Italian gangster - but he does great solid home cooking. His mince on toast is to die for.

If he does find a Mrs Dave on FWAW she can really look forward to her new house.

It was Mum and Dad's before they passed on and me grandparents before that.

So you know it hasn't been touched for 50 years and so it's like a totally original period home, which them city chicks seem to go ape over. It's even got the genuine outside dunny - and you don't get many of them these days.

As for the kind of girl he's looking for, well he can't be too choosy, being on the wrong side of 40, but anyone that looks like McLeod's Daughters would do.

And don't start thinking he's only interested in finding a part-time farmhand, 'cos that's not the point. If she does happen to have a chemical user's certificate and a heavy vehicle licence, well that's icing on the cake.

Now I know you'll be thinking no city girl wants to be getting up at sparrow's to milk cows. And he's quite clear about this - he doesn't expect that.

Hopefully she'll already have an off-farm job. You know what they say, farmers have got to diversify and the best way to diversify is to marry a nurse.

But she doesn't have to be a nurse - CEO of a major bank would be just fine.

Cheers,
Barry

  • Xavier Duff is a Weekly Times reporter