DESPITE being a really successful farmer, I am being persecuted by neighbours and even many former friends and class mates.
For years they have claimed I have cheated and bribed my way to the top with allegations such as copying during my sixth grades arithmetic tests, bribing the local show committee and gluing the teats on my cows to win ribbons, plus a host of many other profit-enhancing activities.
I can't stand it any longer. What should I do?
Back Peddler, Bacchus Marsh
Dear Back Peddler,
Sounds like you are being "Lanced". That's the new term to describe how successful people everywhere are now under suspicion of cheating or using drugs.
And fair enough. No one likes a cheater, especially one who won't admit it, even when caught with their performance-enhancing pants down.
I mean really how do these shysters sleep at night? Probably quite well after a handful of valium and rohypnol.
But then I think we need to be careful about glass houses. I mean, who hasn't cheated a little at something once in their life?
I cheated in a maths exam once by writing some formulas on my undies. Trouble was I put them on back to front and spent the whole exam looking as if I was suffering from a bad case of worms.
They sent me to sick bay before I could finish the test. So I learned my lesson there - always check you've got your undies the right way round.
All I can say is if you are truly innocent, just ignore your accusers. And if you aren't, try to keep yourself above suspicion - don't enter any bicycle races and whatever you do, if you get an invitation to go on Oprah - just say no.